The youngest child asked what day it was yesterday. It took his sisters awhile to come up with an answer; it is officially summer!
Heat index is another way we are discovering the existence of summer in our house. The homestead is stuffy -- we're cheap and keep it balmy inside -- and the dogs are seeking every fan in the house so they can block the flow of air with their hairy, stinky bodies. And this is the week Marty decides to start riding his bike to work. I'm proud of him, but with the heat and the crazy construction near our house I worry. It is quite possible that I was a Jewish mother in a former life with the way I worry.
In other news: I've learned some interesting tidbits about my body over the last nine days of using ovulation predictor sticks. Specifically I ovulate really late compared to the statistical norms. This could explain why we've missed it the past few months. Might not, but it just might...
It is intriguing to me that I can simultaneously want something so bad and be so utterly and completely freaked out by the thought of the process and then watch as my brain -- always desiring for something rational to occur -- tries to figure it all out. Bio tic tocs and primal fear will win out... God help Marty.
The title makes me sound like I've been really great at using the Mondays this summer for school work.
On the contrary, I'm hoping that saying it will make it so.
I have already had quite a bit of productivity; dropped the middle off at summer band camp, mailed a package, stopped by the library to get another book on grounded theory and am now ensconced in Starbucks for free wifi and a supply of black tea lemonade...
Wish me luck!
Writing comps blow.
I'm in the second stage of my doctoral work: the writing of comps and it sucks the life out of me. Today I've spent since 8 am ( it is 12:30 now) reading and taking notes on the seminal work on grounded theory by Glaser and Strauss. In that time I've read pages 35-79. Wow, glacial speed. Did I mention that it is the seminal work? That which everything else is based upon.
My treat for finishing the chapter is writing this post and then shifting to another book to read about the same concept(s) I just read about, but from that author's understand of Glaser and Strauss.
Damn. Even I am bored by this post. Damn.
Posted by
Susan
7:30 AM
After two weeks of feeling ugh-y and on the verge of vomiting, my mind had created a space for my heart to hope. My body, it seems didn't get the message. So now, we move to another week of waiting to try to form new life. I can't help but make this turn into another way my body disappoints me.
The question becomes, how to turn this (and other) disappointments from messages of despair and self loathing into motivation for new things... health, space for life, growth, etc.
I'll let you know when I figure it out...
Yesterday I received a call from our banker. That makes me feel so grown up and it sounds like we have money -- which we don't. Our banker, who is amazing, is the woman who has helped me with home financing in the two houses I've bought in the last 10+ years. She wanted to see if it would make sense to refi our house (it does) and get permission to run our numbers and see what could work.
Turns out those medical bills we've had for the last year and the subsequent juggling we've had to do to make ends meet have resulted in the numbers just not working in our favor. We're too much of a risk to refi at this point. I knew this and so am not grieving the new found information, but it does restart my frustrations.
If we could refi then we'd be able to have a lower house payment which would be able to make it so we could get out of revolving credit sooner, but since we are in the trap (and slowly working ourselves out of it) of revolving credit we are too great a risk...
But, our banker said that if we can maintain what we've been doing for a few more months then we can look at refi again... sigh. Here's planning on being able to do it!
Late last night we drove to my family's retreat space on the water. So, I'm taking a break from the writing exercises. Instead I'm going to nap with the dogs, listen to the docks sigh and groan, and maybe do some reading for my comps. I plan on being refreshed.
What aspects of writing do I really enjoy?
It delights me when I have the opportunity to throw all sorts of thoughts that roil and boil in my brain onto the page. The process allows me to reflect and parse out facts from fictions and ramble from coherence. At times, the act of writing helps me realize that a new thing must be done. I must, for example, talk with the person I am writing to instead of sending the carefully crafted email.
Using words is another part that I really enjoy. There are a lot of great words out there and picking the right one at the right time is key. Knowing your audience is part of this. Just this spring at school I sent an email to the entire faculty under the auspices (see?!? that's a great word) of thanking them for their help with a large scale project. I began, I thought, simply enough with the following:
"As we careen toward the end of [this project]..."
Careening became the word of the day. Apparently I'd hit on the nerve of at least a half dozen colleagues. That one word evoked in some the realization that they weren't alone in feeling that way; it gave voice to an emotion -- a place of being -- that they hadn't quite taken in...yet. I'm sure there were others that read it and thought... wow, Susan's got a screw loose. But that's okay. People are going to misinterpret what is read. I think it is interesting that my one email started a bit of a meme in the building. I started hearing the word careen in other parts of conversation.
So, apparently I enjoy the power -- both personal and group -- that comes from the written word.
